vera ♪

Mon, 13 Sep 2004 05:44:54 GMT

new lj: vera.

Mon, 08 Mar 2004 22:58:14 GMT

holy shit. i just woke up & i don't remember how i got home last night. haha score.
i love this picture i took of my sista, nancy. <3

my soul couldn't find yours

Mon, 16 Feb 2004 06:37:49 GMT

i feel naked without my lip gloss.

step up, ghetto blaster

Thu, 12 Feb 2004 23:51:30 GMT

oh shite.

Fri, 02 Jan 2004 22:02:53 GMT

Sun, 28 Dec 2003 23:57:02 GMT

art! art! art! ... because not everyone is made for business.

primus jizzes in your fucking mouth

follow me to nowhere if you want to go there.

Tue, 23 Dec 2003 03:27:54 GMT

being a sweet waitress has made me $bling bling$__ now i can finally get this colored, makes me feel like a coloring book.

i'm gonna lock myself in my room and make some music. i'm ready to start another band.
broken spotlight should have a reunion, i miss jamming with joe. </3>

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no more sex shops, please

Thu, 18 Dec 2003 18:09:14 GMT

a burn out that still does glow...

Thu, 13 Nov 2003 05:55:16 GMT

stuck in the middle of a hurricane, winds howling all around, rain pouring, everything falling apart from the powerful strength the storm posseses.
there's no escape. we are engaged in a struggle against recurring birth & death, therefore, we have attained neither happiness nor immortality. can't attain the freedom of the spiritual skies ... the process of mind can transfer oneself to the highest freedom of all processes.
anyone who touches that high need never to return to this miserable land owned by time.

my back bone is missing...

Mon, 06 Oct 2003 22:15:03 GMT

i want to wake up from this terrible nightmare already! as the bright sun sets through the patterned time i am trapped inside what i wish was only a dream where my suffering feels so real. i've never felt this much constant pain and mixed emotions in my entire life... little did i know i was already awake while living in complete shock and completely losing my mind over something that has already happened and will never come back to me. i've been trying so hard to keep it the fuck together for my whole family and friends with the best of my ability. i am not going to take my life away too; i can't! i wouldn't ever want to remotely hurt anybody half as much as i've been hurting since the day you last called. at that moment, i just thought we’d end up together later that day like always.
later that night, i got the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach & couldn't stop crying. i kept telling myself there was no way you could be selfish enough to actually fucking kill yourself. you knew it was fucked up and ruin so many people's lives. just 2 days before you left, you talked about how wrong it would be. you even asked me to fucking be with you again. i should've stayed! then maybe you'd still be here today. i keep thinking i could've prevented this somehow but i had too much fucking pride to let you know how much you really meant to me. how much you really meant to a lot of people.

when somebody takes their own life away, they also take others lives away with them.

september. 24th tony and noah somehow got a gun. that day tony called me from noah’s house and that was the last time i talked to him. last thing he said to me was “sorry for everything. i love you, bye”... they both left right after. tony dropped some stuff off at home and ran out without saying a word to his aunt he lived with. afterwards, him and noah drove to theses hills we used to hang out at less than 10 minutes away from his house.
noah shot tony and then himself. they were finally found 9 days later by 2 little kids passing by.
i went crazy those 9 days, keeping my mouth shut at home because i didn’t know if they would really do it or not. i thought i was just losing it and hoped they would come back any day now.the day they were found tony’s aunt called me & said he was dead… i stopped counting down the days for his arrival. i stopped checking my phone to see if he called. i stopped hoping he will come back period. i completely lost all desire and faith. i've stopped suffering and now i could breathe but now my heart is broken and my life is fucked up as well as others left behind. this isn't fucking happening. :(

i love you, tony. =96=

we weaken whatever we exaggerate.

Wed, 17 Sep 2003 05:35:54 GMT

not so yum while rotting ... turning green without feeling.

Tue, 09 Sep 2003 04:05:51 GMT

i can feel myself getting closer because the pain only gets worst.

maybe we'll hold hands again ... you know for old time sake.

Wed, 03 Sep 2003 07:12:06 GMT

you are this work of art that resembles an epic. shock of sudden, startling fear, being awakened suddenly by all i let go near ... feeling anxiety and loss of courage. lost all of the battles. coming back with more panic. build it high, overcome what wants to fly.

my head never goes to sleep, yet i'm never really awake either. i feel like i'm looking for something but i have no idea what the fuck it is. come here.

the road that leads to perfection is always under construction.

Tue, 26 Aug 2003 10:12:04 GMT

there is no security between life and death but behind locked doors everybody rests. danger lies in the eyes of help. help lies in the eyes of fear...you can still be saved, some skies build bravery...nobody recused me when i got raped by pain. nobody heard my screams. nobody saw me bleed. fear held me down, pain fucked me hard. it was stronger than my loss engery. going within left us without. left us empty. less effort creates more results so i need you to find me. i want to tastes your divine grace. fill in the holes, kill all the hate. affirmation without action leads to delusion...trapped in pure wisdom, lost under your feet attaining neither happiness nor immortality under proper guidance that pushes me further down. it's never too late to try to escape. time carries faith as it runs through our heads without a pause. feelings of inferiority and superiority are always the same. why deny truth? push away, knock down what shouldn't be lifting and make your way up the same. often, believing is seeing; but what if our eyes only see it's surroundings while the outside world waits for our arrivial? we are blind until we dream.

experience was my all time favorite teacher.

Sat, 23 Aug 2003 08:35:37 GMT

ultimately, we have no choice but to feel what we are feeling and i don't feel so good right now at all ... i'm hurting and taking it like a wuss. this sucks dick.

i know some fucked up people, man ... too many people's honesty is corrupt. it'd be cool if everyone was real once in a while. why criticize everything? create, don't compete.

oh well.

therapists are expensive friends.

Wed, 20 Aug 2003 07:36:37 GMT

hey.

Mon, 18 Aug 2003 20:35:37 GMT

the thing we run from is the thing we run to.

Sat, 16 Aug 2003 22:47:50 GMT

all i want is to save you or the strength to walk away.

Fri, 15 Aug 2003 04:26:54 GMT

i'm dying to show you that there is more than this out there. i want you to come with me. i see colors inside my head that do not even exists but i can't seem to pull them out of here. we struggle everyday, trying to find ourselves, & never understanding why the fuck we're breathing. i'm a stranger to myself but my dreams got me all figured out. they strip me naked and watch me bleed & i'll never get why we sleep and forget some of our dreams. are we not allowed that much to seek? would you want to be aware? i'd like to take a peek. mind trips get tired of games. games get tired of mind trips. it's all the same fucking thing. we're born stupid and we die even more stupid because nobody really cares but hope will listen to our screams. i can't help being owned by something i let get me. my head never goes to sleep. i force my heart to beat faster than it should be as the murmur pulls me further from reality and everything i've ever loved. the earth lies on a death bed and everyone is calling this living. how was i led this far? why can't stupid TV shows and so called friends make me happy? i can't help but think it's all disease. you take some, you lose more. i fucked the clouds, therefore i'm in this dark place. i cheated the way it was supposed to be. how will you ever find me when you walk on the ground they have buried me underneath?

drink me ... make me feel real.

Wed, 13 Aug 2003 06:04:29 GMT

i think i was reborn last nite ... *bjork* put everyone in a fucking trance! she is revolutionary; a complete acid queen. i got chills all over my body and lost it when she sang bachelorette.
best show i have ever been to & now i'm scared because i got nothing to look forward to.

welcome my sister, nancy & our homie g' slice liz to this system.

if you think you know what i'm doing wrong you're gonna have to get in line.

Mon, 11 Aug 2003 04:01:20 GMT

tomorrow will be a dream come true. i think i am going to lose my mind. i'm finally going to see bjork perform & i’m just so WOW … the bullet has found me.

yesterday i spent the whole day with my little brother and sister. i took those brats shopping all fucking day longgg. i don't know how my mom does it everyday. she's amazing ... no, really.

when i'm high like heaven. when i'm strong like music.

Fri, 08 Aug 2003 09:36:44 GMT

take me over and blow out my mind. shoot me.
[ejected]

miss you dearly signed sincerely.

Fri, 01 Aug 2003 23:07:41 GMT

i didn't think i was actually stupid enough to let it go this far ... i mean, i can always go back if i tried but it will never be the same again. i never feel quite here anymore.
been blacking out and collapsing constantly with no self control over it due to the fact that you can only fry what hasn't been burnt already & i'm just sick like that.
lost my patience. i can't find it anywhere. it influenced artistic values and beauty that ran from balanced proportions and it's all been brushed away like krushs. i still kept on rolling the dice in hopes of you coming in. & you came and you conquered without a disguise, ready to face new heights. it's never your fault, the clumsy walls made you fall. i'll take the blame and let you fly an ordinary pitch. love can sometimes be magic but magic can sometimes be an illusion ... the only thing i can't resist is temptation itself and external beauty is just a temporary myth. the future is soon the past. it just all slips away like it's programmed to. it's time i dissolved to one and give death a kiss.

some people are already dead, they just need to be put out of their misery.

Fri, 25 Jul 2003 08:21:44 GMT

appeared on the jummy kimmel show last nite.
interpol made love to everyone & made me jizz.
pits aren't so fun when wearing sandals. o u c h.
saw pamela anderson and kid rock.
plastic boobs are scary and he’s hot.
drank beer &buzzed like a little bee.
finally turned in my application for second spin.
can't wait to pay for car insurance again. i'm not gangsta without my car.
my sister & marcie are driving me to san diego this weekend.
got someone to teach me how to surf.
JOE IS BACK HOME!!!!!!! <333
& seeing gravy train play tomorrow.
i want a paid account again! this sucks

once upon a time, in fear of being hurt again, i pushed you away because once upon a time, in fear of being pushed away again, i held all my feelings for you ...
i went skateboarding to the train station yesterday because the sun wasn’t beating down at the valley & i looked at the sky. it was gray all over and the clouds were golden blue & i thought of you ...
it was lovely and not plain white summer looking at all. i couldn’t stop starring and i let it run through my vains.
i wanted to take it all, everything that it had done to my soul for that moment, and give it to you and i only got frustrated because never can i give that to you. never can i give you anything … i’ve wanted to rip my heart from my chest and give it to you, for keepsake but i can't!
that sky really made me feel conscience at peace and the feeling of tears became reminiscent. i sat there with tears running down my face as i smiled and people looked down at me like i was nuts. i didn't care; i never care anymore. i was shocked and happy. i don't remember the last time i cried before that or even smiled so big ... i looked at the ground and returned.
i wonder how much longer i can keep my mind off the things that really tear me apart & avoid what i really want. i've been doing a good job ... but it's such a struggle. i can't open my eyes without seeing the big picture, ya know? i'm so sick of looking away and pretending i'm happy, when really i'm not. i feel like a host without a break all day. i used to have this spotlight that never turned off point right at me and i made people listen and i said things even when they were nothing at all ... now i have some sort of allergic reaction for words & being social or something. i miss being naive and walking on peace signs stoned outta my mind, while nirvana spelt inside my head. than again i probably don't, bitter assholes like to mess with innocent little girls like they're paper dolls and i was easy to influence. i have no comtememplation of the past whatsoever, only flashbacks that take me back to that day, feel, trip, & ignorance.
nothings fun, nothing hurts, & nothing feels great and when i do feel good, i waste it thinking to myself this is only temporary, why can't it lasts?! than it goes away and i can't chase after it. i set myself up for the worst in realms of darkness weighted by a powerful force teetering between bad & worse. oh, and alice in chains unplugged just said “something’s gotta turn out right” and that somewhat makes me feel better. heh. maybe everything is just a figment of my imagination.

i'm broken ... there are pieces of me all over the streets and the government hasn't sent anybody to clean up his property.

dont let the world bring you down. not everyone here is that fucked up and cold.

Wed, 23 Jul 2003 04:10:17 GMT

last nite; got a motel with danlow & mary.
smoked all nite long and watched natural born killers.
canada weed is fucking amazing.
i want to kill people so bad with my lover.
went to a boring meeting this morning.
i'm thinking about going to school full time. hm.
took a nap with my bebe, scarlett today.
i just ordered pizza! yum.
my mom is scaring me.
"you look like you're dying, let me take you to the doctors"
that kinda shit makes me feel weird.
i still need someone to take me to get my tattoo colored.
i'm going to san diego this weekend. scoooore.
seeing interpol play tomorrow.
stephanie's laugh is totally capable of giving me a heart attack.
her laugh resembles the sound of broken glass, dinosaurs, & women getting brutally raped all at the same time! its crazy.
i sleep with my speakers on my bed. they're my teddy bears.
i seriously fall asleep holding them against me. its orgasmic.

everything is so fucking intense, but nothing at the same time. obviously, i'm lacking courage ...
i wish people looked like their personality. like, if you were shy, you would have pink hair, and if you were an artists you would have rainbow skin. that way it would be easier to trust and it would be okay to judge people by their appearance without making any misconceptions of them.

jesus has great abs. haha k, bye.